I was having a conversation with my Beloved the weekend.
One I have initiated many times.
The same story, the same words, the same energy
NO NEW RESULTS.

I bought into my pain and complaining with my energy directed on the problem, rather than the solution.
I was making it about me.
My ego was wrapped up all the ways I got it right and how we were getting it wrong.
Energy directed on the past, and words that were NOT serving me and I was now the proud owner of that which I didn't desire.

But I didn't have space for happy, or neutral.
As Matthew spoke HIS truth, I visualized slowly pouring hot coffee over his head.
I didn't want to hear what he had to say.
Why?
Because I wasn't focused on listening,
I wasn't focused on seeing HIM and his experience.
I was focused on what it meant about me.
Where I was falling short.
Where my heart was hurt.
Where I was stuck.

I took a deep breath and walked away.
I sat my ass on my cushion, lit a candle and breathed through every objection and defensive righteousness my ego wanted to through out so I COULD BE "RIGHT".
But it wasn't about that, ever.
There was an intention of real connection, and I was missing the mark.
It wasn't about justifying the past.
It was about giving myself enough space to anchor into THE WAY BIGGER PICTURE.

I let the waves of emotion and choking grief bubble up.
This had nothing to do with the specific topic, but everything to do with owning my power and showing up for what I was here for.

I didn't have space for happy, so I just kept spinning in the wheel of pity until I MADE SPACE for something new to come through.
I gave myself a compassionate time out until I could show up with integrity.
Later that night I found a prayer by Saint Francis that was the grace I was desperately needing. A reminder so stark from the universe that you can not ignore.

"Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled, as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love;
For it is in the giving that we receive;
It is in the pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in the dying (of the ego) that we are born to eternal life."

And then I had the download: It was never about me. None of it. Anything.
It's all about being vessel for love and light.
It's not about my personal achievements, or how my hair looks.
Or if I drink or don't.
If I'm cold or cute.
It's about something so much bigger than I can even conceive of.
It's about being divinity in action.
About hosting unconditional space for others to be who they are, naturally.
To validate someone else's real firsthand, live experience, even when it hurts and looks much different than mine.
That is my work.
That is what brings me great peace.

In this podcast, I talk about why it's not always easy to be happy, and that it's okay!

We only have so much capacity as humans to hold emotional energy.
It's like cracking open an egg and letting it flow out and be a gooey mess.
It you don't you will walk around with protective coating until the insides get stinky.

With alcohol, we had layers to the shell.
Sometimes we start throwing eggs at other people.
The practice of emotional embodiment cracks you wide open so you can hear the truth come through, loud and clear.
There is no other way.

With Love,
Mary